Posts Tagged ‘humor’

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PseudoPod 804: Flash on the Borderlands LXI: Dead Man’s Party (April Fools’ Version)

PseudoPod 804: Flash on the Borderlands LXI: Dead Man’s Party (April Fools’ Version) is a PseudoPod original.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 23:19 — 28.1MB)

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Show Notes

“The Tentacle and You” was originally published in Nature Futures back in 2019.

“Backers” is a PseudoPod Original

“Your Honor, My Undead Client Opposes the Application to Probate His Estate” is a PseudoPod original.

“Backers”: “My wife and her friends are obsessed with podcasts about serial killers – something I find it hard to understand. My kids are fans of various chirpy YouTube personalities – something I find it hard to understand. This story is essentially me as an old, out-of-touch man in his mid-30s bashing the two together and seeing what falls out. I do suspect, though, that relentlessly cheerful vloggers might have some hidden dark sides to their personalities.”

“Everybody’s comin’, leave your body at the door”

The Tentacle and You

by John Wiswell

Congratulations on your new tentacle! You’re probably one of the first people in your entire civilization to get this gift, and we know how overwhelming that can feel. That’s why we’ve compiled a few tips to coach you early adopters through the first days of the rest of your lives. Welcome to the fold.

Day one

Already you should feel unprecedented vigor. Pursue whatever naturally drives you. Go body surfing. Wrestle a bear. Sky dive without a parachute. Do sex if that’s your thing. Thanks to the tentacle’s restorative properties, no injury or infection will last more than a few seconds. It’s pretty cool, right? That durability is going to help you over the next week.

The contact area of your tentacle may itch. Refrain from scratching or trying to remove it. Within the first three hours, the tentacle will have bonded with your nervous system such that agitation will cause it to override your motor control. Nobody likes walking around in public with deactivated arms. Spare yourself the embarrassment and embrace your new self. (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 804: Flash on the Borderlands LXI: Dead Man’s Party

“The Tentacle and You” was originally published in Nature Futures back in 2019.

“Backers” is a PseudoPod Original

“Your Honor, My Undead Client Opposes the Application to Probate His Estate” is a PseudoPod original.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 27:55 — 33.8MB)

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Spotify | Pandora | iHeartRadio | Stitcher | Podchaser | TuneIn | RSS

Show Notes

“Backers”: “My wife and her friends are obsessed with podcasts about serial killers – something I find it hard to understand. My kids are fans of various chirpy YouTube personalities – something I find it hard to understand. This story is essentially me as an old, out-of-touch man in his mid-30s bashing the two together and seeing what falls out. I do suspect, though, that relentlessly cheerful vloggers might have some hidden dark sides to their personalities.”

“Everybody’s comin’, leave your body at the door”

The Tentacle and You

by John Wiswell

Congratulations on your new tentacle! You’re probably one of the first people in your entire civilization to get this gift, and we know how overwhelming that can feel. That’s why we’ve compiled a few tips to coach you early adopters through the first days of the rest of your lives. Welcome to the fold.

Day one

Already you should feel unprecedented vigor. Pursue whatever naturally drives you. Go body surfing. Wrestle a bear. Sky dive without a parachute. Do sex if that’s your thing. Thanks to the tentacle’s restorative properties, no injury or infection will last more than a few seconds. It’s pretty cool, right? That durability is going to help you over the next week.

The contact area of your tentacle may itch. Refrain from scratching or trying to remove it. Within the first three hours, the tentacle will have bonded with your nervous system such that agitation will cause it to override your motor control. Nobody likes walking around in public with deactivated arms. Spare yourself the embarrassment and embrace your new self. (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 672: In Regards to Your Concerns About Your ScareBnB Experience and The Halloween Parade

PseudoPod 672: In Regards to Your Concerns About Your ScareBnB Experience and The Halloween Parade is a PseudoPod original.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 25:12 — 26.9MB)

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Show Notes

Effie Seiberg: “As a card-carrying wuss, this is the first horror-eque piece I’ve ever written. This story finally lets me say that my work can be found in every single Escape Artists podcast, which is very exciting because I’m a wuss when it comes to horror and never thought this day would come. Perhaps the scariest part, to me, is how we have a culture where it’s somehow ok to treat customer service folks like trash even when they’re not responsible for whatever mishaps you experienced.”

In Regards to Your Concerns About Your ScareBnB Experience

by Effie Seiberg

Dear Mrs. Axelthorpe,

I’m so sorry to hear your family had a negative experience at our ScareBnB. While we aim to provide an atmosphere of family-friendly spooky overnight fun, I see that with your family’s unique experience we’ve missed the mark.

You’re right, the blood dripping down the stairs to the abandoned attic was a slipping hazard. However, we did have signs clearly stating that guests should not go up the abandoned attic stairs for precisely this reason. You’ll be glad to know that the stains will eventually come out of your family’s clothes with a little bit of bleach, but unfortunately the curse we use to keep the bloodflow going is non-removable, and your clothing will continue to drip.

After their arrival into the (closed off) attic, I understand that your children were distressed by the sounds of our attic ghost. However, after reviewing the logs and interviewing the performer on shift, Alex of the Screeching Chains, it appears that the upsetting sounds were of Alex weeping after your offspring doused him in several cans of WD-40 and tried to set him on fire. We encourage our performers to stay in character and will send him an appropriate reprimand once he’s out of the hospital. (Continue Reading…)

mugger

PseudoPod 645: HORROR COMEDY SHOWCASE: The Undertakers

“The Undertakers” was first published in The Second Jungle Book in 1895

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:05:32 — 63.8MB)

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Show Notes

Dream Foundry

Dream foundry logo gifDream Foundry is a new organization helping all professionals, especially beginners, working in the speculative arts. Back their Kickstarter to make sure they last and grow, and to get yourself some nifty rewards.

Website: www.dreamfoundry.org
Twitter: @dream_foundry
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dreamfoundryorg/
Kickstarter: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/dreamfoundry/dream-foundry-2019-hatching

The Undertakers

by Rudyard Kipling

When ye say to Tabaqui, “My Brother!”
when ye call the Hyena to meat,
Ye may cry the Full Truce with Jacala–
the Belly that runs on four feet.
–Jungle Law

“Respect the aged!”

It was a thick voice–a muddy voice that would have made you shudder–a voice like something soft breaking in two. There was a quaver in it, a croak and a whine.

“Respect the aged! O Companions of the River–respect the aged!”

(Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 644: Flash on the Borderlands XLVII: Horror Comedy Showcase

“The Gerunding” was first published in the October 1987 issue of National Lampoon

“’Mama!’ Is a Four-Letter Word” was published in IMPACT Press (1999) and Chronogram (2002)

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 34:39 — 32.2MB)

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Show Notes

This episode of PseudoPod is brought to you by AMC Shudder. Check out Shudder’s great content at shudder.com and use promo code pseudopod for a free 30-day trial. What’s waiting for you in this trial? Shudder is a premium streaming video service, super-serving fans of all degrees with the best selection of horror and thrillers. Not only classics you know and love, but a couple less visible gems that we want to draw your attention to.

Firstly, The Old Dark House is a classic horror film created just before the Hays Code dropped, so there’s some content that is particularly shocking for its 1932 release date. This also was inspirational for a young Ray Bradbury and his Uncle Einar stories, which were inspirational for the artist Charles Addams. Secondly, Murder Party is an exceptional entry in the black humor end of the genre, made all the more striking if you know any struggling creatives. I first saw this at a horror film festival wearing my Army of Darkness shirt. One of the filmmakers greeted me at the door, and noting the shirt, assured me I would love their film. They were not wrong.

The thing I’m most looking forward to is the Shudder original series released this week — Critters: A New Binge. I have an arguably unreasonable affection for the Critters franchise, as they indelibly scarred me as a kid. Head over to shudder.com and use promo code pseudopod for a free 30-day trial.

“…and now, some excerpts from Cacophonus Audio’s forthcoming dramatic audiobook adaptation of Buzz Dixon’s 1980s horror classic…THE GERUNDING…”

 “It is precisely because we fear that which we fear that we are afraid of it. ”

—Larimo Kurlius, Intellecto Pretentioso

PROLOGUE

Luckinbill, Maine, 1807 B.C.

Konomoro, wisest of the witch doctors in the seven tribal councils, felt uneasy deep in his red heart. The Norseman standing before him was stark naked and drenched in blood that gushed from hundreds of ornate, foreboding runes carved in his body.

Surely this was an evil sign… (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 643: HORROR COMEDY SHOWCASE: The City of the Gone Away

“The City of the Gone Away” was first published as “The Gone Away: A Tale of Medical Science and Commercial Thrift” in the San Francisco Examiner, December 2, 1888.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 23:24 — 21.9MB)

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The City of the Gone Away

by Ambrose Bierce

I was born of poor because honest parents, and until I was twenty-three years old never knew the possibilities of happiness latent in another person’s coin. At that time Providence threw me into a deep sleep and revealed to me in a dream the folly of labor. “Behold,” said a vision of a holy hermit, “the poverty and squalor of your lot and listen to the teachings of nature. You rise in the morning from your pallet of straw and go forth to your daily labor in the fields. The flowers nod their heads in friendly salutation as you pass. The lark greets you with a burst of song. The early sun sheds his temperate beams upon you, and from the dewy grass you inhale an atmosphere cool and grateful to your lungs. All nature seems to salute you with the joy of a generous servant welcoming a faithful master. You are in harmony with her gentlest mood and your soul sings within you. You begin your daily task at the plow, hopeful that the noonday will fulfill the promise of the morn, maturing the charms of the landscape and confirming its benediction upon your spirit. You follow the plow until fatigue invokes repose, and seating yourself upon the earth at the end of your furrow you expect to enjoy in fulness the delights of which you did but taste. (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 642: HORROR COMEDY SHOWCASE: The House that Dripped Character

PseudoPod 642: HORROR COMEDY SHOWCASE: The House that Dripped Character is a PseudoPod original.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 26:00 — 24.3MB)

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Show Notes

From the endcap:

The author’s thoughts on the story: “The central idea was a joke I made to my wife while we were watching reality TV. I owe it to her for convincing me to expand the idea behind that joke into a complete story.”

The House that Dripped Character

By BG Hilton

It is a dream. It must be. Each of us remembers sleep taking us–be it in a bed, on a sofa, or at the back of a crowded classroom. We know we are asleep, so of course we must be dreaming.

And yet we are not.

The house rises before us, above the tops of the moss-laded cypress trees like some great reptile from the Earth’s youth. Paint of some indeterminate color–bleached here by sun and darkened there by rain–peels from its splintery timbers. Attempts have been made to rebuild the structure in a dozen different styles, but the house’s Victorian heart is visible through these additions.

The windows are blocked with plywood and the roofing tiles are more absent than present. By all rights, the decaying structure should seem fragile, and yet it is almost shocking in its solidity. The ambient light is dim, and the hues of the house and swamp alike are washed and grey. The only hint of color comes from a tattered length of police tape, fluttering by the front door. There is no sign of a road, no sound of traffic, no address on the front of the house. (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 52: That Old Black Magic

That Old Black Magic first appeared in Bell, Book & Beyond: An Anthology of Witchy Tales

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 23:17 — 21.4MB)

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That Old Black Magic

by John R. Platt

Magic and I have never exactly been what you’d call the best of friends.

I’ve had plenty of opportunities over the years to try to make the relationship work. I joined a coven, did all the research, bought myself all of the accoutrements of the trade, even had business cards printed up.

But no matter how much knowledge I amassed, when it came to actually performing magic, I was a dud.