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PseudoPod 948: A Relationship in Four Haircuts


A Relationship in Four Haircuts

By Ai Jiang


You met him on Etsy.

That’s right.

Not a dating app, but an online marketplace for small business owners.

You’d asked about a custom jade ring you’d been sniffing around for but never found one within your budget—until him. But what you didn’t expect was for him to break from his professional persona and ask for your hand in marriage with the same ring you were trying to purchase for $20.99 with 15% discount on top to boot. The ring was probably a knock-off, but still.

It had to be a joke, the proposal, surely, because your username had been CATSONLY_ and your profile picture was that of your British Short Hair’s belly. And he? Well, his seller’s name was BOUJEEMAN96, in a subtle but not so subtle attempt to hide the implied “69”, or maybe he was actually born in 1996.

And so begins your relationship, your Shakespearean tragedy, disguised as a romantic comedy. (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 947: Will They Disappear

Show Notes

From the author: “This piece is based on the horrendous real-life story of Jennifer and Sarah Hart, two white women who adopted six Black children and then proceeded to abuse them for years. (In a ghoulish twist, they brought their children to Black Lives Matter rallies.) At every turn, the Harts used their whiteness to shield themselves from consequences, even as the children tried many times to get help. Finally, when the Harts feared that they might face some accountability, they drugged their children with Benadryl and then drove their car off of a cliff, killing everyone inside. This story depicts much of that abuse, but with a very different ending. The women in my story get a tiny helping of what the real-life Harts so richly deserved.”


Will They Disappear

By Cynthia Gómez


I’m only fourteen and I don’t look like much and I’ve lived in more foster homes than I can count on two hands but I’ve learned a lot of lessons anyway. Like: playing dumb is a real smart strategy, most of the time. So is playing weak, only showing my strengths when it’s the right time. I didn’t do too good a job with that one, but if the names “Jessica and Elizabeth Love” ring a bell, then I think you might just forgive me.

I was different from the other kids in every foster home for a couple of reasons, but here’s the biggest one: I can make things disappear. No living things, even though I admit it, I did try. Just on a potato bug. I was kind of relieved it didn’t work, honestly. I can’t do it with anything big, like whole buildings, probably because there might be living things in them. It’s only little stuff, like making a homework assignment disappear so I could say I never got it, and one foster father’s keys I kept taking away because I knew he was cheating and … okay, maybe I did mean that one to hurt? The family thought I was stealing, and that’s how I got kicked out. (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 946: Toby and The Halloween Parade


Toby

By Brittany Groves


It’s a long walk from Founders Cemetery, but I am old, dying, and don’t mind the wait. (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 945: The Gobstomper


The Gobstomper

by Alex Dal Piaz


A lot changes as you get older, thought Wilkie Saunders.

For example, he’d been sure older boys like Tom Dunn—who was either in 10th or 11th grade depending on if you counted the year he was repeating—hated his guts. Tom had tormented Wilkie and his friends everywhichway for years. And yet here they all were in the dark, Tom and Wilkie and half a dozen other older boys, gathered up behind the home of the local dentist. This was small-town Indiana, and not the best parts of it. The house of the dentist was plenty run down, perhaps not as much as the other homes along the street, but its peeling dish-sponge-blue paint was enough to make Wilkie feel antsy. Outside was a shingle-style sign, dismally busy with fancy script, advertising the services within. “What’s so special about a dentist?” Wilkie asked.

“Like I said, he deals sweets, to make extra money,” drawled out Tom Dunn. “And if you shut up for a sec, you’ll hear it.”

And then, with the very weirdness the boys had promised, Wilkie heard it: a slurping and gasping sound. And maybe… crying?

“What the hell is that?” Wilkie asked.

“Tears of joy,” Tom replied. “It’s the Gobstomper. Sweetest and most delicious candy on Earth. Kids pay a hundred for it. Of course, if you can’t pay, he does give it away, but one night only—on Halloween, like I said, and to one person only. That could be you, Wilkie,” Tom said as if he didn’t believe a word of it. “Of course, you’d have to keep your cool. And you can only have the candy in the house. It’s a recipe too valuable to let out. Think you can do that? Think you can hang with us now?” (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 944: The House That Stands Over Your Grave

Show Notes

From the author: “For as universal as it is, I find it weirdly difficult to explain grief in a way that feels satisfying. It’s a slippery, nebulous thing. It can hide from you or disguise itself, look like one thing on the surface while growing into something else underneath. It can reach out for the people around you, blending with their grief, cross pollinating and mutually mutating—and that process isn’t always a balanced one. There’s an ugly economics to grief. Some people are more vulnerable to it, while others have the means to withstand it better, find support more easily, or at least express it louder. Your background, personality, and a million other things you can’t even see all flavor a manifestation of grief that’s unique to you. But whatever form it takes, it’s such a vast, amorphous thing that attempts to describe it always seem to miss some crucial aspect. I’ve carried some of my own for a while now, and I’m still trying to figure out how best to describe it. This story is an attempt at that.”


The House That Stands Over Your Grave

by Kyle Piper


The first time the topic of the old house on Gray Street comes up, Lew and Kennedy are working on their math homework on the floor of Lew’s bedroom. It’s the first time Kennedy has been over, and when she calls Lew’s little two-bedroom rambler a nice house, he thinks it’s a mean joke until she tells him how bad the place she just moved out of was. That brings up the topic of crappy houses, (Kennedy’s old apartment was infested with bees, Lew’s older brother lost part of a finger helping their dad repair rot in the crawlspace here), and eventually Kennedy mentions the total wreck her dad had driven them past on Gray Street, behind the cemetery. That brings it out of Lew without so much as a thought to the credibility of the claim: just, “Oh, yeah, the haunted one?” Now Kennedy looks like she’s trying to stare a hole through his head so she can determine approximately how much bullshit it houses.

“Did you…” she starts cautiously. “Have you seen any ghosts there?”“Oh, I’ve never been inside. But I mean, I walk pretty close by it all the time. It’s super creepy.” As he says this, Lew realizes how completely stupid it sounds, but he can’t figure out how to express what he feels when he looks at that house through the jagged chain-link fence that separates its backyard from the cemetery where he so often stands. That crumbling stack of ivy-crowded wood looms over the back end of the cemetery, keeping watch over the little eroding rectangles that Lew doesn’t think even count as gravestones. Unkempt vines and brush and pale, pinkish mushrooms poke out through its backyard fence into the graveyard as though the house itself is reaching out to claw at the world around it. He’s sure it’s why the back end of the cemetery is the cheap end. Anyone who can afford the big fancy headstones puts them up front where you can barely see the house and don’t have to look at it when you visit. Lew knows that when he dies, his family and friends will have to stare at that decaying pile just like he does.

“I can definitely tell that it’s creepy,” Kennedy says, “but my gym teacher is creepy. That doesn’t mean he’s a ghost.”

“Okay, that’s not what I meant. Literally everyone who’s gone in there has seen something weird. You can ask anyone who’s done it.” (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 943: Oneirophobia

Show Notes

From the author: “I’ve experienced sleep paralysis a few times in my life, but the first time was the most unsettling, and the memory has remained with me ever since. In that instance, I was home from college for a weekend, sleeping in my old bedroom. I opened my eyes, realized I couldn’t move, and watched as the bedroom door opened. My doppelganger walked into the room, sat down next to the bed, and stared at me for what felt like hours. He didn’t say anything, just stared with an intensity that grew more uncomfortable as time went on. A simple question came to mind the following morning: Which me was the real one? “Oneirophobia” was born from this.”


Oneirophobia

By Todd Keisling


The fluorescent lights here in the basement of St. Joseph’s are noisy by design. You wouldn’t think it of lights, the kind of noise they put off, but the ones down here have a hum that digs into your ears like a gnat. You don’t think you hear them, but you do, and now that I’ve told you about them, all you’re going to hear for the next hour is that lifeless drone.

Mmmmmm.

That’s the sound of this room. It’s the sound buzzing away in the background of the world, an involuntary reaction to existence that goes on and on in its tiring way, leeching time from you, stealing life. For many, the noise is the sound of bureaucracy, consumerism, corporate toil; but down here, one floor away from all those Hail Marys, it’s the sound of consciousness. The dull buzz of being awake.

Like I said: by design. The folks who come down here to our little meetings twice a week do so with the expectation of avoiding sleep. It’s why you won’t find any cots, quilts, or pillows left over from when this place was used as a shelter. It’s why all we have are these rusty metal chairs that squeak when you unfold them and a couple of card tables near the entrance for carafes of coffee and other goodies.

Anyway, hello. Come on in. Help yourself to some refreshments. The coffee is good and strong. No decaf here. There may even be a few pastries left if you’re lucky. I hope you’re not diabetic or have a heart condition. Nothing but sugar and caffeine on that table, believe me. Oh, and the theater masks. I’ll get to them in a minute. (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 942: The Sound of a Jackknife

Show Notes

The Dead Room

Pontypool

 


The Sound of a Jackknife

by K. Bosgra


I only took the Tremaine gig because of Shepherd’s recommendation.

“This one won’t pay much,” Shepherd admitted over the phone. People chattered in the background along with an indistinct electronic beat. “But Tremaine’s someone you’ll want to know in a couple of years.”

In the film industry, everyone believed that they knew someone on the cusp of greatness, and most people thought that someone was themselves. I’d usually acknowledge those remarks with a polite nod and move on. However, Shepherd’s phone was full of Academy Award winners who he’d spotted years before they got their little golden idol, so I copied down Tremaine’s contact info.

“He’s not the usual auteur piece of shit.” Shepherd raised his voice over the party. “Even though he looks like he was sent over by Central Casting.”

So I took the meeting. Anthony Ivan Tremaine entered my workshop wearing a black turtleneck sweater, faux leather pants, and gold-rimmed spectacles. Even at eleven-thirty on a Tuesday, he looked like a glossy headshot brought to life. Compared to him, I felt trashy in my faded t-shirt. I expected Tremaine to speak with the affected accent of an American who spent a few too many weeks in Europe, but he actually seemed to be trying on a little Joe Pesci to see how it fit. “You the guy?”

“I’m the guy.”

(Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 941: In Haskins


In Haskins

by Carson Winter


Everyone, both the young and the old, went about their lives as usual on the day of the Mask Festival. The downtown streets were covered with colored leaves and Mr. Burkett still waved at children and swept in front of his storefront. Mrs. Farley still clucked to Mrs. Durant on how the new teachers at the old school would not and could not teach their children anything. And the policemen still ate lunch at the Morrison Deli on Main. Normality ruled with benevolent routine. But still, as the leaves fell, and the stage was erected, the people of Haskins braced quietly for their most insistent tradition.

At the fairgrounds, Jennifer arrived early to help set the stage. Her eye sockets hung loose and rubbery around her blue eyes. She was the first Jennifer to have blue eyes. The mane on top of her head was coarse and tawny. Flies buzzed in her stomach and she was thankful she was Jennifer because Jennifer always had to stay busy. Cindy was already there, cross-legged and cutting orange leaves out of construction paper, looking prim and sweet in her blue dress.

She nodded to Cindy as she found a pair of scissors. When Cindy did not return the movement, Jennifer decided that her eyelets must be misaligned. (Continue Reading…)