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PseudoPod 870: The Dancing Partner


The Dancing Partner

By Jerome K. Jerome


“This story,” commenced MacShaughnassy, “comes from Furtwangen, a small town in the Black Forest. There lived there a very wonderful old fellow named Nicholaus Geibel. His business was the making of mechanical toys, at which work he had acquired an almost European reputation. He made rabbits that would emerge from the heart of a cabbage, flap their ears, smooth their whiskers, and disappear again; cats that would wash their faces, and mew so naturally that dogs would mistake them for real cats, and fly at them; dolls, with phonographs concealed within them, that would raise their hats and say, ‘Good morning; how do you do?’ and some that would even sing a song.

“But he was something more than a mere mechanic; he was an artist. His work was with him a hobby, almost a passion. His shop was filled with all manner of strange things that never would, or could, be sold—things he had made for the pure love of making them. He had contrived a mechanical donkey that would trot for two hours by means of stored electricity, and trot, too, much faster than the live article, and with less need for exertion on the part of the driver; a bird that would shoot up into the air, fly round and round in a circle, and drop to earth at the exact spot from where it started; a skeleton that, supported by an upright iron bar, would dance a hornpipe; a life-size lady doll that could play the fiddle; and a gentleman with a hollow inside who could smoke a pipe and drink more lager beer than any three average German students put together, which is saying much. (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 869: Audio Recording Left by the CEO of the Ranvannian Colony to Her Daughter, on the Survival Imperative of Maximising Market Profits

Show Notes

“We didn’t set out to write this as a story: we only really set out to try and gross each other out, exchanging segments in a series of escalations for our own amusement. But then Matt considers it a crime to let any of Cass’ prose go to waste, so it got bashed together into a plot shape, inescapably picking up certain mutual philosophies along the way. In the fullness of time it was published in Diabolical Plots before finally debuting in the home it was always meant to find: Pseudopod, the Sound of Horror.”


Audio Recording Left by the CEO of the Ranvannian Colony to Her Daughter, on the Survival Imperative of Maximising Market Profits

Written by Cassandra Khaw & Matt Dovey


You will just have woken in your bed. Time is short. You are groggy, I’m sure, but it is important you pay attention and do not leave – do not move – until this recording is finished.

Listen: marketing is everything.

Corporations spend trillions to delineate histories that could exist, sculpting nuance and favorable scandals in the service of cultivated intrigue. All press is good press: an ancient koan.

This is why we do what we do in the colony. The mythos of Ranvanni IV, parlaid during prime-time and burbled between mouthfuls of gin, is an essential part of what allows us to command a premium price for our products.

Good marketing saved us all. (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 868: The Coward Who Stole God’s Name

Show Notes

“If I named any of the inspirations for this story, then I’d get into terrible trouble, wouldn’t I? You’d hate to upset Gavin and those who love him. This is the sort of story that I can’t imagine not writing. The ideas in it swirl through my mind too frequently. If anything, the question shouldn’t be what inspired it, but rather, the question should be what inspirations prevented me from addressing these ideas sooner. We often shy away from the terrors of stochasm and weaponized publics. Strangers become a toxic aether all around us. Adherence and admiration, forces that often keep us alive, or at least keep us going, get turned to something grim. Every month since the story’s original publication, there has been at least one new grotesque headline crime by people serving their own personal Gavins. Horror was the genre for these ideas. I could wrestle them any other way. Thank goodness for this genre. And thank goodness for our ability to learn when we’re wrong.”


The Coward Who Stole God’s Name

By John Wiswell


Who is the most beloved person alive? Is it one of those actors who plays superheroes? Is it a political leader? Maybe you’re a galaxy brain and say Beyoncé? No matter who you pick, you know you’re wrong. There’s always that better person who we love so unquestioningly that we forget they’re there. Sometimes, we forget why.

“Gavin Davenport?” I repeat into my phone. “You’re kidding me. He wants me?”

On the other end of the line, my editor York is practically squealing. “Apparently he reads your stuff. He mentioned The Redacted Man by name.”

I grab at my ribcage. Gavin Davenport read The Redacted Man? I’ve been reporting for twenty years but this is a chilling shock. I feel like I’m a teenager and my parents just found my browser history. The Redacted Man was so negative. I regret every phrase in it that could’ve been sharper.

I ask, “Is this a prank?”

York says, “I’ve checked with everyone. Davenport wants you to write about him. Sam, this is titanic. We’ve never done anything this big.”

My brain flails trying to contextualize the invitation. Years of absence broken—and by me? This is like being asked to write an extra chapter for the Bible. Nobody talks to Gavin Davenport. He’s barely let himself be photographed since the shootings.

I ask, “When do I go?”

“Today. You’ve got three hours.”

I grab for my keys. “Three hours?”

“Don’t be late. Remember the last person who disappointed him?” (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 867: Chainsaw: As Is

Show Notes

Gillian King-Cargile grew up in the land-locked, corn country of Illinois, but every summer she’d visit her grandparents on the Jersey Shore. She swam in the Atlantic Ocean like a fish and body surfed until the broken-up shells of the shallows sanded down her knees. She also soaked up stories of shipwrecks, East-coast ghosts, and especially the Jersey Devil. Even though she’s all grown up, Gillian has never quite shaken the salt out of her veins or the devil out of her head. She hopes you enjoy her version of this mythical American monster.


Local Forecast – Elevator by Kevin MacLeod | https://incompetech.com/
Music promoted by https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/
Creative Commons Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
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Chainsaw: As Is

By Gillian King-Cargile


All thirteen of us cousins and half-cousins and step-cousins were there that Memorial Day at my Grandma’s house when Dustin ripped into his leg with the chainsaw. This was in New Jersey. In the Pine Barrens. There were thousands—maybe hundreds of thousands—of trees to chainsaw. That’s why Grandma had the chainsaw in the first place. To push the Pine Barrens back. To keep away the trees and the things that hid in their needles. Things with wings and hair and hooves and scales and claws.

I was the oldest and the only girl in the mess of cousins, so I was supposed to be in charge. I was the one who lived the closest and helped Grandma the most—dusting her cobwebs, mowing her sandy lawn, turning the TV up louder and louder and louder so she could hear the Weather Channel and watch for nor’easters and hurricanes hurrying their way up the coast.

That day I was also make-shift mom to twelve boys, aged six to sixteen, who only saw each other all at once maybe once or twice a year. When they got together, they always wanted to do something big. Memorable. This year, they wanted to chainsaw down a tree or make a YouTube video about chain-sawing down a tree. I told them not to be stupid. I was the only one Grandma let use the chainsaw, and I was in charge, as the aunts and uncles said, because they didn’t want to deal with their monster kids while they drank beer and shooed flies away from deviled eggs and crab salad and burgers.

Dustin was the one who got the chainsaw out of the garage, off the work bench I’d left it out on like a dare. “I’ll show you how it’s done,” Dustin said. But he’d never touched the chainsaw before—never helped with yard work because of the ticks and the sunburn and the fact that he was only kind-of related to us because his dad married our aunt and he was only here on vacation. (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 866: Flash on the Borderlands LXVI: Quod Nomen Mihi Est?


“La plume de ma tante.”


Litany In The Heart Of Exorcism

By Sarah Pauling


Do you understand?

On your skin, do you feel the white sand the priests threw in fistfuls from the blessing-basin? Do you feel it crusting over your eyelids? It sticks between your cheek and the temple floor like a binding. It powders the sigils on the stone.

Do you understand what’s happening to us? Songs, prayers, incense. That awful boy–barely old enough to call a man–praying. His mother, weeping.

They want to take you away from me.

I hold your body close to mine, the white grit on my forehead grinding against the grit on yours. I hook my nails into your naked back. I try–not for the first time–to draw blood.

Do you feel it? (Continue Reading…)

PseudoPod 865: Wanted: Bone-White Skull-Patterned Lace Trim


Wanted: Bone-White Skull-Patterned Lace Trim

by Kelsea Yu


The stroller on the side of the road caught Nina Wong’s eye as her Fiesta rounded the bend on her way to work. She slowed down, noting the FREE! sign taped to its handles. Free was about the only price she could afford right now, since Will had been gone a month, taking with him his half of the rent. Money was tight.

Especially with a baby on the way. (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 864: All the Ways to Hollow Out a Girl


All the Ways to Hollow Out a Girl

by Gwendolyn Kiste


It’s almost noon on Friday when the neighborhood boys murder me again for the third time this week.

They do it with their hands today, bulging knuckles blanching white, their sweaty fingers wrapped tight around my throat. The three of them circle over me, grinning and guffawing, like this is a fraternity hazing and not my life at stake.

We’re in a field out behind the high school where we’ll all start ninth grade in a few months, provided I live long enough to see it. Crushed beneath their weight, I kick and scratch, desperate for this time to turn out differently. Then all at once, the world fades to a dusty gray, a familiar numbness coming over me, and that’s when I know I’ve died.

I’ve never asked the boys—and I doubt they’d tell me—how long I stay dead, but judging from the fact that the sun never dips too far across the sky while I’m gone, I’d say it’s no more than a few minutes. From my end, it feels like only an instant, the same as waking from a long night’s sleep, when it’s as if no time at all has passed since you closed your eyes.

The boys come back into focus, hazy at first, their bodies still lingering over me. I hate that they get to watch me while I’m away. The thought of them pushing nearer, crowding around the husk of me. How they get to be with me, even when I’m not here.

“How are you feeling?” one of them asks and helps me to my feet, as though he honestly believes he’s a gentleman. The question, of course, isn’t for my benefit. These boys are genuinely curious what happens to me, where I go, what it’s like. That’s part of the fun for them, though let’s face it: most of their fun comes from the killing.

I don’t answer them. Instead, I inch away, one small step at a time. While I can think of a few things they do deserve, an explanation isn’t one of them. Besides, I have to be quick and get out of here, or else they might try to do it again.

“See you tomorrow,” they call after me, snickering, and I wish I could cut their tongues from their mouths, so I never have to hear them laugh at me again. (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 863: Coincidence & The Dream


Coincidence

By A.J. Alan


This is the story of a coincidence. At any rate I call it a coincidence.

The road where I live is very long and very straight. It’s paved with wood and well lighted after dark. The result is that cars and taxis going by during the night . . . often go quite fast. I don’t blame ’em. They hardly ever wake me unless they stop near the house.

However, about two months ago one did. (Continue Reading…)