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PseudoPod 891: The Evaluator

Show Notes

From the author:

“I wrote this one for the call as well, and this time I started with the idea of Eddie, the possessed child rather than the gods, although I knew I wanted it to be set in the same ‘real gods’ universe as several other stories. I thought it would be interesting in this one to have them be stricken in some way—replaced by imposters that ordinary people cannot distinguish from the original deities of the land, now killed by human pollution. A not very subtle eco-disaster story, though readers seem to have not minded. This also very much continues my trend of ‘the narrator or the focus of my close third-person narration is not actually the main character’; I hoped there would be a few horrors just out of the corner of the reader’s eye: the new gods, of course, but also the horrors of hopelessness and desperation in a town where the main industry has vanished, and the (in my opinion) mild horror of the opacity or inscrutability of children.”


The Evaluator

by Premee Mohamed


There’s a dish of milk balanced on the trailer’s top step, something dark surfacing in the white like a shark. As I knock and wait, I try to figure it out: a Hostess Cupcake? A Ding-Dong? You leave your best, after all.

Inside, Mrs. Bruinsma makes coffee with the lightly champagne-coloured water from the tap. Mine cools in a chipped and faded Snoopy mug while I explain why I’m here, pushing a business card across the sticky tablecloth.

“Are you with the government?” she finally asks.

“No, ma’am. We’re a private company.”

“Do you have… equipment? Are you going to do tests on her?”

“No. She’ll be fine. You can stay and watch if you want.”

She’s not listening, and nothing I’m saying, I figure, is the deciding factor that gets her up from the table. I follow her outside, careful not to touch the teetering offering. We walk past a dozen trailers, some clearly abandoned, others more ambiguously so, and head through the fence marking the border of Meadow Hill. (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 890: The Halloween Parade and Twin Xolotls of Sorrow and Salt


The 2023 Halloween Parade

by Alasdair Stuart


This year you pass through a stone arch to reach the Parade. The churro stand is to one side, the bouncer to the other. You can’t quite tell if the bouncer is checking if you’ve been to the churro stand or if you’ve got your wristband. You do know both are pointedly ignoring the plate of raw meat on a nearby small table. There’s a notice, the familiar bone coloured paper and Silian rail, reading ‘Please take your seats. The Parade is about to begin.’ You walk through the arch and see… (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 889: Darke’s Last Show


Darke’s Last Show

by Jonathan Louis Duckworth


I’m still smiling when the rideshare car pulls up. Silver Honda Accord. Driver: Raul. 4.9 star rating, meaning some monster gave him a petty 4-star review once—there is no circle of Hell low enough. Raul’s a handsome kid, maybe twenty, lots of hair product, a fade shaved onto the back of his head, a winning smile, and soft-spoken. I take a quick shine to him.

Traffic’s light for a Thursday night in South Beach. It should take half an hour to get to where my friends will be expecting me, not that I’m in a rush. The car’s body trembles from the bass of an impressive sound system; I feel each pleasant pulse in the roots of my molars.

“You mind turning it up, kid? I like this one.”

Raul’s surprised. “For real? No offense, but you seem a little old to be bumping Shorty BoomBoom.”

If only he knew how old. “I try to keep up with things.” (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 888: Flash on the Borderlands LXVIII: Actualization


I will be who I will be


Made of You

by Nick Petrou


I was a blister clinging to the throat of your shower drain. I didn’t know I was alive, let alone that, as I built myself from your beautiful waste, I would grow to love you.

The first thing I remember was a taste: a sweetness tainted by bitter soap. My membrane shifted, allowing the sweet, the you, to pass, while the soapy water spat down the pipe into darkness. I disassembled a flake of your skin, reading you as you might read a book.

When I’d swollen to the size of a fingernail, I fashioned a primitive mouth and chewed the hairs that swung from the drain grate, much to my delight. Your textures excited my growth, and soon I, a curdled grey sludge, coated the entire inside surface of the pipe, down to the water seal.

After I learnt how to pass through the water seal, I spread to other pipes. And how I gorged myself on the blood and solids you flushed down your toilet. (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 887: Midnight in the Southland


Midnight In The Southland

By Todd Keisling


“From the grim Ohio Valley to the mists of the Appalachian Plateau, this is Midnight in the Southland with your host Gus Guthrie. Now, here’s Gus…”

 

That’s how Midnight in the Southland always started. Back in the ‘90s and early aughts, if you were anywhere in Kentucky, Ohio, or either of the Virginias, you probably heard ole Gus. Ghosts, demons, aliens, government conspiracies—you name it, Gus talked about it. He played it straight, took every caller seriously and treated them with respect, and over the years, he built a reputation for being the “Fox Mulder” of radio. Gus wanted to believe, and the odds were good he’d believe you, too.

I grew up listening to him, usually on those late nights while camping with my dad. My old man would be conked out in his sleeping bag, and I’d still be awake, listening to the whispering trees, crackling fire, and the static-tinged yarns spun by guests on Gus’s show. “We’re all lonely travelers,” he used to say, “wandering empty roads under a weight of cosmic indifference.” I didn’t understand what he meant back then; I just knew I wanted to be a lonely traveler, a mysterious caller in the night, someone who saw or heard or felt something. That never happened. Not while I was a kid, and not while Gus was still alive and on the air.

He died sometime in 2002, just after I’d started college. The Lexington Herald gave him front page real estate. REMEMBERING GUS GUTHRIE, the headline read, and the online comments were filled with everyone’s favorite stories from his tenure at the microphone. They all expressed a similar feeling, one I had often felt while growing up, about Gus being a kind of beacon in the dark forest of the weird.

“What brings you out tonight, Lonely Traveler?” (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 886: A Wonder of Nature, In Need of Killing

Show Notes

From the author: “This story was inspired by the snapping turtle who lives in a neighbor’s pond. Each spring she crawls from the water to the shrubbery in front of our house, where she digs a nest beneath the azaleas and lays a dozen or more eggs.  Why she digs so close to human habitation is a mystery. None of her eggs have ever hatched.  And after writing this story, I don’t know whether to be sad … or relieved. “


A Wonder of Nature, In Need of Killing

By Virginia Campen


Aunt Pearl saw the creature first, through the kitchen window. “Snapping turtle,” she said, “a big one, headed toward the cow pond.” She stripped off her rubber dishwashing gloves and shut down the hot water, twisting the busted faucet stem with an old pair of pliers. “I’ll make turtle soup, if anyone has a mind to catch it.” (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 885: The Grave of Angels

Show Notes

From the author: “This story incorporates many of my recurrent themes–rituals, religion, the end of the world, and did not end up where I thought it would when I began.”


The Grave of Angels

by Erica Ruppert


Corra Martin, last child of her family line, insisted that I bring her home as a condition of our marriage.

And home, for Corra, would always be Holyoke where it stood on the high cliffs above the sea, exposed beneath the wide murky sky. The town had been all but deserted for years now, as all the coastal towns were. But she had been away for years, and longed for it. I had no deep roots, and wondered at her insistence. (Continue Reading…)

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PseudoPod 884: Report on the Flanking Action


Report On The Flanking Action

by Larry Blamire


From the action report of Captain William Meecher:

“…the engagement ended with the capture of most of the hostiles and seven killed. Among our casualties, one killed and eight wounded. Still unknown as of this date is the fate of Hollis, lieutenant, B Company, and a detachment of the 4th Infantry, along with B Company’s scout, who, as part of a flanking action, were dispatched to the adjoining foothills in support of the cavalry, in hopes of setting up a line of fire above the enemy. All attempts to locate the missing patrol thus far have met with failure. At this late date it does not bode well for their return…”

Captain William Davis Meecher,

Company B, 8th Cavalry

Sept. 13th, 1873 (Continue Reading…)