by David Nickle
There are only ever two combatants in a knife fight, and each combatant is allowed a knife.
The knives are to be provided by the combatants, in a keen, clean condition free of rust. Other objects—scissors, hammers, axes, surgical instruments—shall not be considered knives for the purposes of the knife fight.
Combatants shall arrive stripped to the waist, and well-lubricated so as to keep the knife fight from becoming a wrestling match, which is unseemly.
Goose fat is considered an acceptable lubricant for the purposes of a knife fight.
Victory in the knife fight is usually decided by the drawing of first blood.
Combatants shall avoid their opponents’ faces, hands, and throats, confining their strikes to parts of the body usually covered by appropriate business attire.
In the event that both combatants draw blood from one another in the same instant, the knife fight shall be considered a draw and entered into the Records as such.
To the victor go the spoils.